I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess