I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days