I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.