Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.