My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
❤️🦆
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy