Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
mariah carrie
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir