Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Single and childfree like Jesus
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?