ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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It鈥檚 not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn鈥檛 get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
In Mexico, it鈥檚 considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I鈥檓 not saying I don鈥檛 miss my kids while I鈥檓 at work but it鈥檚 nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I鈥檓 there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper鈥檚 car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i鈥檓 ready
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas