When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
haha same
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Birds & Planes.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything