Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Need this in my life lol
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.