The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
“Theirye’re” problem solved
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight