Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Mountain Goat : )
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My kitchen overserved me.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger