First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
This checks out