Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”