Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.