I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos