[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Sending in my taxes
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING