Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
twitter is a journey
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Proctology is located in A55
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.