I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?