Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
You Might Also Like
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
fourth time’s the charm
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
We’ve all been there…
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide