date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story