My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You Might Also Like
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Need this in my life lol
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.