CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
that lip filler tho
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
They’re stuck in your pants?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”