I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
You Might Also Like
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Some people were born into their job.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille