Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Growing out my freckles.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please