They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Never mess with a drunken pig.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo