Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
this is so top tier i cant
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.