Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
They’re not wrong
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron