Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children