Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My wedding will be open casket.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My love language is deader than Latin
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?