Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Introverted vegans go meetless
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…