Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
You Might Also Like
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.