Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school