The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
don’t we all
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way