I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.