Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
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Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I hope google does well on my son’s test