Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together