Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*orders delivery*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.