Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it鈥檚 a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Why couldn鈥檛 the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I鈥檒l take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I鈥檓 trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 馃ぃ馃槒
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Don鈥檛 charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.