Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
This cat wants you to take your pills
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.