my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: