Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Follow me for more fitness tips.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”