God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.