[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?