We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
You Might Also Like
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.