Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
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A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol