5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.