When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.