My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.