ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.